Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
