I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
