I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
