Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
