He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
