I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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