There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
