Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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