fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
