My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
