I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
