Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
