I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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