maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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