***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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