Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
