Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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