I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
