if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
