People in love make me want to vomit
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
