Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
