You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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