I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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