Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
