you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
