So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
