I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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