you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
