Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
