She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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