its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She needs sedatives and a leash
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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