As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
In other news, I just burned my penis
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
