So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
