I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
