You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
