I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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