No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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