Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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