Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Randomize
