Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
