apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
