I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize
