How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
