i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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