Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
