somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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