take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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