If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
