Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
