Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
