My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I am naked and annoyed.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize