Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
