I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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