the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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