I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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