I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
