1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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