My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize