woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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