I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just cut my nipple shaving
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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